Crime Historian Gifts

'How do you expect me to concentrate when you're reading me my rights?'

Prisoner

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

The Elliot Ness monster.

CIA report

Harry S. Truman

The Philip Marlow family

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

Frankenstein's Ancestry

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

I always forget - Are we supposed to tip?

The Ukraine, Europe and Fascism.

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Celebrity Phrenologist.

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"Undiagnosed serial killer"

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Authorization for the Use of Farce

'Try to think of this as a learning experience.'

Fish mobsters.

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

"Now we're leaving the hall of stuff we stole from other cultures and entering the hall of stuff we paid too much for."

'Newgate - Exercise Yard'

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

'Make it look like an accident.'

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."