Cricket Critic Gifts

'Myopic amputee school girls 2nd XI v's England' Damn it, when are we going to get some decent opposition?

'Just 3 problems with the England team - they can't bat, can't bowl and can't field!'

Match-fixing (cricket)

'Cheer up Dear. There's an ad break - that'll put some excitement into watching the cricket.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

Seamus Heaney

"You'll never believe who's here."

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Caveman sees comment section below cave drawings,