Cricket Commentator Gifts

Ian Botham

'Here's a splendid cake sent in by a Mr Mugabe of Harare.'

Mad scientist sends a strange cake to cricket commentators.

'The only New Year's resolution he's still got intact is not to watch the England cricket team in Australia on television.'

"I think the bowler's calling him a f**King k**b-end - yet it's f**king k**b-end all right and the batsman's finger goes up!"

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

I think you're ace

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

Kenny Dalglish

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

Tennis ball girl.