Credentials Gifts

"We normally require a high school diploma, but I guess I'll let it go since you have this honorary doctorate from Cornell."

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

What's normal?

"It's such a lovely day!"

Early Piety

"Oh boy! Mom made microchip cookies!"

Before the Internet

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Ninedency: A budding tendency

"It was a holiday I'll never forget...I saw life in the raw!"

''Raining cats and dogs' is just a phrase, Alix.'

"Sis, my teacher said to list the four food groups. . . but I can only think of three. Cookies, candy and ice cream!"

'Fischer Says Give Thanks to the Lord!'

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

Roget's Pet

Useless information desk at trivia buff convention

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'I'm just going to say my prayers. Any requests?'

'I think I've now earned the right to wear God on my sleeve.'

"They're home...the party's over!"

Instant Gratification Cafe.

Timber preservation

' I let you think it's your ides...then I agree with you.'

Engineer on the move.

"First Big Oil, the Big Steel, and now, Big Cookie."

'What makes you think we have a radiation leak?'

'Mom, was it one or two cps of sugar?'

'There really IS a Santa!' Santa busts pets eating his milk and cookies

'Now you know where you left your tools.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.