Crave Comedian Gifts

Waiter, there's a wireless earbud phone in my soup.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

A gift to complete the man cave.

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'When I said you'd have to jump through hoops, I meant you'll have to literally jump through hoops.'

'Are these mushrooms edible?'

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

'It replaces all your small rocks with one convenient large one.'

'I've invented copyright.'

A man jumps out of a window to avoid an injection.

"It's trouble for Chubby when Mitzi brings out the vacuum."

'I like modern. It never goes out of style.'

'What do you mean you're a vegetarian?'

'Someone call 9-1-1!!!'

Industrial Disputes: the Early Years

"I'm afraid he's not available at the moment. Would you like to leave a message?"

'Yo yo brother, I gotta bounce.'

'Poland springs! Poland springs!'

'Robinson Crusoe discovers Friday's mobile'

'How often does he go on line?'

'Stop your howling and whining up here - you're spoiling this vacation for everyone!'

"Bad! He recommends both bran and prune juice!!"

'Come on out and bring your club -- they just took dinosaurs off the endangered species list!'

'You remember earlier when kevin said there was nothing to eat.'

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

'This is great! -- We've learned to talk the talk and walk the walk!'

'Don't say I never did anything for you.'

"How long have you been a compulsive eater of onions?"

"Are you decent?"

"Hon, it's the landlord."

"We're either going to have to remove it or put instructions on it..."

Hunger mood warning system: Women vs. Men

In case of emergency break bread.