Compulsion Comedian Gifts

"How long have you been a compulsive eater of onions?"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'We need to talk about your fear of commitment, Ralph.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Various Traps.

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I committed the sin of pride. I've been gloating over how our church baseball team waxed yours.'

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

"Till death do us part? Hers or mine?"

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'It's not company policy but how about starting on some performance enhancing drugs?'

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'You know I hate weddings - they remind me that I went through one!'

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'Is this a trick question?'

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."