Cracker Critics T-Shirts

Browned off cows. They can't pull a cracker.

"What I'd give for a stimulating conversation..."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

Boy whistling at crackers.

"Here's a request from someone who'd like to hear something in tune for a change. Oh, we have a comedian out there, I see."

'You reek of crackers.'

"Women like funny men, but you can't go on a date dressed like that!"

How The Ice Age Began: 'OK, can we freeze it right there...'

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'...And an extra packet of crackers! It's our Anniversary!'

'The beer's not cloudy, the glass is dirty.'

"Maybe I've been brainwashed, but at this point I do believe I actually want a goddamn cracker."

"I'd hate to see the flea big enough to wear those!"

'Dear father for what I am about to receive I give thee thanks.'

"I need a vacation. Everything is starting to smell like a bomb to me."

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"He's not good with criticism."

Do Not Enter and No U Turns

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

A parrot business meeting

'I need an officer to respond to a report of a stolen donut truck.'

C is for Cracker

This next song is also about food. I probably don't even need to say that anymore, do I.

Cracker nice, but Polly want more.

'You're insecure because your data is unsecured.'

Polly want a cracker?

'Polly had a cracker.'

"My trun!!"

'I got this medal for being a Navy Seal.'

"That's just the meds kicking in."

Insulting Cashpoint

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'