Cracker Collector Gifts

"I'm leaving you, Polly! You don't want me. . . You just want crackers."

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

"I decided to go all out on the house decorations this year."

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"What I'd give for a stimulating conversation..."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

The Tectonics and Their Plates.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

"Number 2. Step forward please."

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

Bearded Leftie.

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'Let's see. One dozen red wigglers, two dozen nightcrawlers,three dozen crickets. Want flies with that?'

'You reek of crackers.'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

"You get one every time you order something online."

'Dear father for what I am about to receive I give thee thanks.'

"Maybe I've been brainwashed, but at this point I do believe I actually want a goddamn cracker."

'...And an extra packet of crackers! It's our Anniversary!'

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

"I wonder what this was for."

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

'How old is this vase?'

"I never expected you to pay through the nose."

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

A parrot business meeting

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"Fortunately, Mr. O'Brien, a sucker's attorney is born every half a minute."