Coworker Gifts

"Hi. My name is Barry, and I check my E-mail two to three hundred times a day."

'And best of all, he really enjoys it.'

Brainstorm Ideas why meeting should be over

"No, not there, please. That's where I'm going to put my head."

"Oh, thank heavens!! A fourth!"

"No, still nothing. Check the mute button again."

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

"Basically, we have two options: #1: Do what I suggest because I'm the boss and I say so. Or, #2: I launch into an excruciatingly dull, long and detailed presentation explaining my position. You decide."

Home Office Gossip

"All I can say is thank goodness for teleconferencing."

Deus ex Caffeina

"We have ways of making you small-talk."

Meeting view zone. Non-meeting zone.

'What did you take away from the meeting?'

'Well, I told you not to open that attachment!'

'But before we move on, allow me to belabor the point even further...'

'...Therefore, we're in complete compliance with all federal guidelines.'

The plan to increase productivity by canceling coffee breaks flopped.

"The meeting's at 10. I'll send you a copy of the agenda, the hidden agenda and your personal agenda."

'You know you're 40 when...'

'This could save us a bundle on electricity...by the way, Bob, how fast can you run?'

"Now I have to change my dog's name so I can remember my new password."

No, Smith, that's NOT why they're called 'Spreadsheets'.

'I just needed to get away for a while and recharge my batteries.'

'Just remember I told you you'd be discharged really fast after surgery!'

"I think the reason our international unit is performing badly is because our mission statement says 'think locally and act locally'."

"On the one hand, eliminating the middleman would result in lower costs, increased sales, and greater consumer satisfaction; on the other hand, we're the middleman."

Wrong leadership.

"While you were out, sir, the company, rudderless and adrift, operated pretty much the same as always."

'Tell us what you've done with all the grass!'

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

'Slow Internet connection! They thought of everything!'

'We need to update our employee recognition program.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

'Okay, here's the plan...'