Worker Gifts

"What do you mean, you need to find a balance between work and family? We consider you part of our family."

"Why don't you try learning from your own mistakes?"

Performance appraisals.

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

'And we are firmly opposed to any form of group think.'

"Blame culture...who is reponsible for this?" "Him..him..him...her..."

"Youngsters these days are spoilt,apart from the triple-bypass,five divorces,4 estranged children and cirrhosis working 80 hours a week never did me any harm."

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

What Bob thought outside the box.

'Drop dead. Well that's good start to our negotiations.'

Watch that always reads: 'Later'.

'The man who manages the man who manages the man who manages the man who manages the worker.'

'The boss wants me to retire...The company doesn't want you when you're old and useless.' 'They prefer people who are young and useless.'

'While we're on the subject of basic human rights, are we all aware that the coffee machine in the hall is broken?'

"Then, at 3:45, you usher in a whole new era. I brought your flashlight."

Absolutely NO gut responses, gut feelings, gut checks, or anything else gut! - Management.

"With all we've invested in flat screen monitors, why does our data still look distorted?"

'Quite frankly sir, I think you're stifling my creativity.'

"It has come to my attention gentlemen, that you have been doing the work of two men."

'The boss values new technology. Now, instead of phoning in instructions, he puts them on his blog.'

'I, along with some of the other employees, feel you're abusing the break room.'

'Am I boring you?'

'Sorry, Morgan, I can't give you a raise. I'm suffering from compassion fatigue.'

"I'm beginning to really dislike Casual Fridays."

'Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for the people who have to work with you.'

"After months of analysis, all departments have concluded when you're hot, you're hot, when you're not, you're not."

Wind-up Men

"I'm not asking for a raise. All I'm asking for is a little warmth and human understanding."

Around here it got a little tricky...

'Only another thirty-four years, five months and fourteen days until I retire.'

'First it was a two-month vacation.. then a sabbatical... NOW THIS!'

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

'I think the best way for you to build the highest level of character is to work for me for the next 10 years at minimum wage.'

"I've road a few bulls myself, partner

"But I am working, Boss...My computer is running the data on improving employee productivity!"