Courtroom Critic Pillows

"Let me give you a lesson in American history: James Madison never intended the Bill of Rights to protect riffraff like you."

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

Bailiff, swearing in witness in court: 'Do you swear to spin the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?'

"What with current restrictions on punitive damages, I had no recourse but to shoot the son of a bitch."

'As it turned out, circumstantial evidence was all they needed.'

'I need some time off. I just discovered that I'm suing myself.'

'I'm a Federal judge, fella -- I don't need to have the slightest idea what I'm doing!'

'Not guilty, by reason of insanity. We find the law completely insane.'

"It sure would be swell if your last words didn't mention that eyewitness who recanted her testimony, the con that confessed to your crime, the DNA test that proved your innocence, or the fact that I slept through most of your trial."

"Serves you right for hiring a lawyer who advertises on TV"

"Good news we're appealing your second life sentence"

'Our lawyers have declared the operation to be a complete success.'

"Not guilty"

"To the unsophisticated, I suppose, I'm guilty."

'Not guilty? Are you kidding me, Mr. Defence Lawyer? Any man wearing a tie as ugly as your client's, must be guilty!'

'The opportunity to be fair and just is rewarding - but what I especially like is taking the law into my own hands.'

The Scales of Justice

'According to our legal gobbledygook, Dr. Rojak, your psychobabble just doesn't hold up.'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

'You have the right to legal representation, if you can't afford a lawyer, an inexperienced, second rate one will be appointed to you.'

'Since you can't afford an attorney, one will be inflated for you.'

Blind justice?

"Freedom and crime go hand in hand, Your Honor. Look at Russia."

"The jury has found you guilty. Let's see how America voted."

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

"So...Mr. Smith... I'm not blind! I see you are not wealthy...you are not a politician, lawyer, CEO, nor other elitist entity...what am I going to do with you, Mr. Smith?"

'Stop trying to change the subject!'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'I said, if you'd broken the law, I could get you off - but you violated a federal guideline.'

'No, my son. Arbitrage is not a bad word but perhaps it should be.'

"Objections overruled...I also think the defendent looks extremly dodgy"

Judge had 'Tips' pot.

The speed of justice.

Justices

Blind Justice