Courtroom Comedy Lover Gifts

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

"'Is it right? ... Is it fair?' Get a grip Carlton - we're a law firm!"

"You're going to do time, but I'm trying to get it in dog years."

"We may be in trouble. . . the prosecutions expert witness can usually tell if a defendants been good or bad!"

'We find the defense and prosecution arguments totally confusing without a doubt.'

"Someday I'll catch you without your mallet, little man."

"I object, Your Honor! This line of questioning is really weird."

''Lying' is such a harsh word, your honor. We prefer to call it 'testimony without borders.''

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

'It's innocent or guilty. There are no do-overs.'

"It's not really perjury if you're a compulsive liar."

"You lucked out -- the grand jury doesn't want to get involved"

Low Class Action Suit

'What you refer to as looky-looks is classified as insider trading.'

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

'... and you say sorry for blowing raspberries during his closing address.'

'Why, first thing on Monday mornings, do I always get someone who can't enunciate very well?'

'I'm sorry, but a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card holds no sway in this court.'

'That Copier is Out of Order!'

'I find you guilty of a most criminal act...' says a judge to a musician playing songs from Eurovision.

'Your Honor, he's badgering the witness!'

'So you're saying you don't remember anything.'

'Your honor, my client is willing to agree to a divorce provided she can continue living with his money.'

'New bailiff!'

'You are charged with habitual drunkeness, What's your excuse'

'But the only way I can afford to pay my back taxes is by avoiding paying my taxes for several more years.'

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse?- But I didn't even know that!'

'I plead guilty to he hanky, but not the panky.'

'Attorney Kratz, your Honour; representing the China Shop.'

"For the last time! No more DNA evidence!!"

What barristers/attorneys are really thinking - "Beer."

'Yes, your honor, we finally have a unanimous verdict.'

Door To door Lawyers, Inc: 'Think about it, sir - everybody has someone they can sue about something...'

"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, the bitter truth...."