Courtroom Comedy Fan Gifts

"I'll work on the appeal. You try to escape."

"Could my client be innocent? Probably not. My point is it's interesting to think about."

"The court is sorry that it raised its voice."

"Yes, he cut paper, but rock hit him first - that make my client a victim."

'Since you insist on defending yourself, I feel April first would be an appropriate trial date...'

'R. Jones, layman. Available as a non-expert witness in court cases.'

'You can plead 'guilty,' or you can plead 'not guilty' - You can't plead 'no big deal'!'

Devil on trial - "We find the defendant guilty of being in the details."

'My client pleads not guilty by reason of still being in denial.'

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'Permission, Your Honor, to treat the witness with hostility.'

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

"As unbelievable as it may seem to you today, this court was once a puppy, too."

'Sorry, but the Court does not recognize the principle of 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'.'

'I'm recusing myself from this case.'

'Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination!'

'How long did you work as an arbitrator?'

'How do you like THAT disparate impact?'

'Yes, I technically did give illegal orders, but I naturally expected that the integrity of my subordinates would prevent their being carried out.'

'We can prove there is an indiscriminate use of your image and that you are entitled to proper compensation.'

'Twenty years? -- is there anything I can do for extra credit?'

'We have a problem.'

'Chasing cars without a license, your Honor.'

'Your honor, permission to treat this witness as hostile?'

Doctor recommending patient for judiciary

'Look, several prisoners in my client's facility have reported finding God in their cells! Yet you claim you've never broken in one time?'

"I didn't consider it hacking. I thought of it as getting a sneak preview of their content."

'Your honor, we find these proceedings to be MUCH less interesting than what we see on TV.'

'I object, Your Honor -- there's something funny going on here!'

"This, ladies and gentlemen, is Exhibit A, the sneakers that urged my client to Just Do It."

"I don't mind your acting as your own attorney, but would you please stop hopping on and off that damned chair?"

"I wish I could believe that you're really, really sorry."

"He's my attorney. Whatever happened to attorney-client privilege?"

"...And you will serve two years in a male voice choir as a baritone!"

'No offense, Your Honor, but we've decided to settle out of court.'