Counseling Collector Gifts

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"Nuts to you, too."

"I recommend that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life."

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

'Mona Lisa, would it make you happy if I gave you a foot massage every night?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"There! Now we're getting somewhere."

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'I didn't have time to prepare a resume.'

"Tell me more about your imposter syndrome."

'Yes, our phones have WIRES attached to them! We're no free-range blabbermouths in this household!'

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

Personal Relationship Counsellor

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"And His Majesty sends you a great big kiss, too."

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

"The words 'complete screwball' are not in my vocabulary."

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

'So, when did you first realise that you fancied me rotten?'

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

"I wonder what this was for."

'How old is this vase?'

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'My wife doesn't understand me.'

'What do you mean, our marriage license has expired?'

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

'Don't you be dissing the Ho' now!'