Council Meeting Audience Gifts

Jackie Weaver

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"This town ain't big enough for the proposed outlet shopping mall at Millet Creek Pass."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think." "About what, little buddy?" "Star Trek. The last movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus." "Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives."

"We've been campaigning for years to encourage central government to delegate more powers to local authorities..."

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

This is not what I had in mind when I joined the Council!

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

Typical...You don't see one for weeks then they all arrive together.'

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

Public Meetings: 'If you check the guide it's clear that you only need to say 'chair'.'

'Our drug cartel would like to help Lambeth Council fight the cuts, respecting criteria of inclusion and diversity.'

Man's house has sign reading 'Sod the council'. His neighbour says: 'Frankly, I'm amazed you got planning permission.'

'Wait a minute! Aren't you the chap who refused planning permission on the St., Mary's church extension?'

'Just take a smidgeon off.'

"This spells out the council's decision - in easy to read emoticons."

'That's the Director of Housing. She isn't taking the news of the rates freeze too well...'

Child Abuse Report

'I like him because he's a simple guy talking in a simple way.'

Community Complaints Redress Mechanisms Bureaucracy

'The anger management class ruined our budget when they ordered love seats.'

"This is Jim the Jolly council manager and LOOk it's Caring Clara who likes to work for minimum wage..."

'Parish Council, working towards obsolescence'

"Why is the arts budget always the first thing to be cut, when you know damn well it's the only thing that separates us from the monkeys?"

Driver of Gritter Lorry gritting his teeth.

"You'd better hurry. The council wants to ban all enjoyable sex."