Cost Of Living Comedians Gifts

Maternity Ward - 'I wonder if he'll ever leave home...'

Cost of living - 'Thank God we're dead.'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

'Very funny!'

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

Budget reaction.

Football Delivery

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

Investments: Still Open to New Investors - 'A fool & his money fund.'

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"We've decided to cut back and have Christmas every other year."

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

What to do if a rhino owes you money....

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

"Whoa, don't hand me my pay cheque. I'm allergic to peanuts!"

80 Million Euros for a football player.

'The dollar fell against all major currencies this morning, and then, while getting up, bumped its head, REALLY HARD, on some sort of coffee table. I'm afraid that's all we have right now. Stay tuned for further updates.'

'What do you mean you want a pay rise??? You only work once a year!!!'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

Santander Bank pays out cash by mistake on Christmas Day

'I'm afraid the Christmas party has been cancelled on cost grounds...but the good news is that the boss has said you can still come in and photocopy your bottoms!'

'Tell them that, by funding our project, they agree the universe must be expanding, and that, as it expands, so must our budget!'

IRS, 'Try to be a little more prompt with your return next year, sir -- We almost ran out of welfare money!'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

"It's not having seconds that's the problem. It's having fifths and sixths!"

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

'So, from now on, due to economic conditions, you'll be our son on a contract basis, renewable every year. Any questions?'

"Entertaining that lot all day and what's in it for us - peanuts!"