Cost Of Living Comedian Gifts

'What's commonly being prescribed for 'gas at the pump' pain?'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

Budget reaction.

"We've decided to cut back and have Christmas every other year."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"Remember to round each billable hour off to the nearest week."

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

What to do if a rhino owes you money....

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

Cost of living - 'Thank God we're dead.'

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

80 Million Euros for a football player.

"Whoa, don't hand me my pay cheque. I'm allergic to peanuts!"

'What do you mean you want a pay rise??? You only work once a year!!!'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

Roder got a new lease on life. At a slightly higher rate.

'I'm afraid the Christmas party has been cancelled on cost grounds...but the good news is that the boss has said you can still come in and photocopy your bottoms!'

'Tell them that, by funding our project, they agree the universe must be expanding, and that, as it expands, so must our budget!'

IRS, 'Try to be a little more prompt with your return next year, sir -- We almost ran out of welfare money!'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

"It's not having seconds that's the problem. It's having fifths and sixths!"

"Entertaining that lot all day and what's in it for us - peanuts!"

'Oh, Honey...I know you want a little addition to the family - But we just can't afford a 48 inch flat screen plasma.'

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

'Wait, I have a coupon for $500,000 off that hammer.'

'I did the math -- we can't AFFORD to attend the economic summit.'

You have back-breaking syndrome. Throw away your credit cards, refinance your mortgage and switch the kids out of private schools into public schools.