Corporate Wellness Maven Gifts

"We gave every employee the latest fitness tracker wristband. It helps them keep tabs on our 35-step-per-day limit."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'Not only does he suffer from anxiety, he makes everyone else suffer from it too.'

'Do you really think shoulder-to-wheel and nose-to-grindstone are valid yoga positions?'

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

"It's hard to keep good people."

"What's this I hear about you not having an ulcer?"

'It's noble of you to want to keep your employees happy, but I can't help by prescribing something for them.'

'And one and two and let change through and three and four and collapse on the floor.'

"This is what I took away from the meeting."

"I don't think we can put off dealing with 'presenteeism' any longer."

Performance Management: "We decided to get rid of the stick and just use the carrots."

"So I can eat better here at work."

'I hear they've named a new stress syndrome after me.'

a crash-test dummy is performing some affirmations before going to work

If you know that you would benefit from a 15 minute nap during the day, do your best to take one.

Office Safety.

"The company offers free Yoga and aerobics. You'll bend over backwards and jump through hoops."

Healthy and happy workers are productive workers!

'People aren't happy enough...I want a 15% increase in happiness by the 1st of the month or heads will roll!'

"Daddy needs to relax. He spent another long day at work extolling the virtues of his stand up desk."

"Why did you just dump my kiwi-colada smoothie on my head?" "I'm glad you (huff) asked." "Studies (huff) show that sitting all (huff) day long behind a desk leads (huff) to obesity, sickness, (huff) toe-swelling (huff) and an early, (huff) excruciating (huff) death." "So more (huff) and more (huff) office workers are using (huff) standing desks (huff) with treadmills." "Have you ever (huff) tried handing someone (huff) a smoothie while running (huff) on a treadmill?" "They walk. ...walk."

The HR department at the tech company allowed Randy the use of their therapy robot.

Jenkins won't be here today. He just called in healthy.

"Recent studies now show that people who use the aphorism ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ have compromised immune systems."

'I moved the computer and phone off my desk. You wouldn't understand. It's a Feng Shui thing and it has successfully reduced my job related stress.'

'Morale soared when we installed the Nurf Basketball.'

"I've finally learned not to measure my worth by how many employees I have."

'Inside healer'

'Notice how much happier everyone is since I added anti-anxiety meds to our bottled water?'

"We're usually pretty good at spotting job burn-out before it gets bad, but every now and then, someone slips under our radar!"

Simply climbing the ladder of success wasn't fulfilling out corporate wellness goals.

Hypochondria preservation and Encouragement. 'It's Terri Dinkmer. She's calling in well.'

Jack felt much better, now that he was working out.

"This is Fred, he heads up our corporate wellness programs."