Corporate Satire Buff Gifts

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Good news - we're merging with Pinetree Pharma. They make the cures for all the harm our drugs do."

"Sorry, Ted, but we have to let you go. Your performance evaluation is too good and we're worried that you'll ask for a raise."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

Born In Captivity.

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'