Corporate Punster Gifts

'So, paternity leave problem solved then?'

British savings accounts

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

'Jurassic Pork.'

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

Note Book

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

The Contrarian funds

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

Ask Mister Buck: Financial Expert. "Dear Mister Buck, Is it true that 'money talks'?" Yes, and it drowns out everything else!

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'But how could me speaking at the Secret New Products Seminar break our Confidentiality Agreement?'

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

'Well yes, we lost, but you asked me if I was a Legal Eagle, not if I was a good lawyer...'

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

'The chairman finally notices me. I parked in his parking space.'

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

'Mr. President, you have a phone call. It's the First Hen.'