Corporate Punk Gifts

'Dude, touring with a punk rock band was fun, but what I'd really like to do is be CEO of a fortune 500 company.'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

Let's Celebrate

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'Remember, my door is always open Higgins, just be careful of the trap door.'

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

"He treated associates like he treated his plants."

"You're fired, Withron. I got a terrific deal on a handful of ballpoints."

'I said I wanted to address the manager shortage -- not a short manager!'

Take me to your market leader.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

"I'm sending you to Siberia. Your job is remaining here."

'This is the latest management structure...It'll help you see where you fit in...'

"You've all been like a company to me."

Boss to employee: 'I'm downsizing your paycheck.'

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

'To satisfy our stockholders, we'll draw stars to see which of us will be hung in effigy.'

'I've prepared a self-evaluation which you can refer to when you do my annual review.'

"No need to remind me. I'm well aware that I've forgotten completely about you."

"Are you ready to engage with rock-rased content?"

'Was my salary expectation a bit too high?'