Corporate Punk Pillows

'Dude, touring with a punk rock band was fun, but what I'd really like to do is be CEO of a fortune 500 company.'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Let's Celebrate

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'Remember, my door is always open Higgins, just be careful of the trap door.'

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

"He treated associates like he treated his plants."

"You're fired, Withron. I got a terrific deal on a handful of ballpoints."

'I said I wanted to address the manager shortage -- not a short manager!'

Take me to your market leader.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

'To satisfy our stockholders, we'll draw stars to see which of us will be hung in effigy.'

'This is the latest management structure...It'll help you see where you fit in...'

"You've all been like a company to me."

Boss to employee: 'I'm downsizing your paycheck.'

"I'm sending you to Siberia. Your job is remaining here."

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

'I've prepared a self-evaluation which you can refer to when you do my annual review.'

"No need to remind me. I'm well aware that I've forgotten completely about you."

'Was my salary expectation a bit too high?'

"Are you ready to engage with rock-rased content?"

"It's amazing to think he started out in the lobby."