Corporate Ethics Advisor Gifts

'I want you to remove all references to bribery from out mission statement.'

'If you look carefully you'll see that all the claims are invalid except on alternate Tuesdays in June when Venus is in alignment with Mars.'

"I know honesty is the best policy, but what is the next best. . ."

'Then it's agreed...We put the greater good on the back burner.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

Squeezing the Free Press.

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

'If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

'Risky, but I like it!'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them?"

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'Now you see, that's EXACTLY what we should try to avoid here.'

"Honestly, doing the right thing is going to be a big change for us."

Sportswasher's

'We're able to cut back on legal fees by being more ethical.'

'I don't care if you are the CEO of a large oil company, you can't claim your soul as a business loss.'

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

'Now, at first glance, this may LOOK like a challenge.'

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

'And get this: just when I thought the worst was over, the media blasts me for 'opportunistic, predatory business tactics!' Boy, did THAT sting!'

Free-range C.E.O.s

"My company sells military goods and information to unsavory characters around the world, and donates 100% of our profits to local charities!"

"I suppose it's too late to start testing on animals?"

Nasty, Shady, and Gruesome equal Massive potential profits