Corporate Ethics Consultant Gifts

The Hypocrisy of the Smoking Ban

'The following program was made possible by a totally unscrupulous sponsor....'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"We'd better watch Cranston. He looks like a whistleblower."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

'There's too much corruption in the third world.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

'Risky, but I like it!'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"

"Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them?"

'I recommend this to get rid of that stupid little voice whispering 'Don't forget to act ethical and responsible'!

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

Sportswasher's

'We're able to cut back on legal fees by being more ethical.'

'I don't care if you are the CEO of a large oil company, you can't claim your soul as a business loss.'

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

'Now, at first glance, this may LOOK like a challenge.'

"My company sells military goods and information to unsavory characters around the world, and donates 100% of our profits to local charities!"

Nasty, Shady, and Gruesome equal Massive potential profits

"I suppose it's too late to start testing on animals?"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Political Integrity Explained

'What you're asking me to do goes against my principles. I'll have to charge extra for that.'