Corporate Culture Commentator Gifts

"I hope you don't think that you have a monopoly on ethics."

"It's a full-blown empathy attack!. . . help me sneak him out of here before this thing spreads through the entire company!"

'Everything is negotiable, including my integrity.'

'We're looking for impartial people who think the way we do.'

Giving Feedback

"I've discovered a sinister side to employee empowerment. It's called accountability!"

'Actually, I was hoping for a more inspiring mission statement.'

'Well,just by looking around I can tell that you haven't taken full advantage of the many staff training opportunities available to you.'

I don't know there's something about the guy in the middle, he just doesn't look right

People, what a fantastic opportunity for a reset!

"Something makes me feel you want comfortable with change."

'Shift our strategy? I didn't know we had any strategy.'

'I'll get to your project as soon as I'm caught up.'

'We decided to be more transparent.'

Corporate Fundamentalists: 'Let's begin with a prayer of thanks to the almighty...'

'You are a lot younger then I had imagined, Mr. Martini.'

"That's a very convincing strategy."

Acme Group: Glass Ceiling

Do Not Resuscitate

"Oh, and your feelings have been trying to get in touch with you."

'This new 'mentoring' policy is a wonderful idea...It gives staff the chances to take on significant extra responsibilities in relation to staff support and supervision.'

violence in the workplace

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

'No, we haven't made a decision on your promotion. We're still looking for a reason to deny it.'

"It's Irv Pelton, Mr. Mather, from the Voice Crying in the Wilderness Department."

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

"I knew I should have learnt more management speak!"

'It's the only way they can control his testosterone!'

'Johnson, you've been such a big part of this company, we've brought in Donald Trump to fire you personally.'

'It's been fully tested to withstand lawsuits.'

'I, along with some of the other employees, feel you're abusing the breakroom.'

'Your memo is filled with mumbo jumbo - I don't understand a word of it. Maybe you do have management potential, Harville.'

"I have decided to change your title from Procurement Director to Director of Buying Things."

"My definition a leader is any human who does exactly as I ask without complaining."