Cooking Shows Pillows

'The weight gain began when we locked out all the sex and violence on TV...that only left the cooking shows.'

"I got a dish, but it only picks up the Food Channel."

"Look out it's the naked Chef!"

'I must be some kind of cooking pervert. I only like to watch someone else do it.'

"He's been watching all those cookery programmes."

'Be a dear and nip to the chippy will you, love?'

'Ready, steady, Operate'

Junior Masterchef - "Darren Smith and I'll be cooking chicken nuggets with Mars bars in a CocaCola sauce"

'She discovered Gordon Ramsay.'

'Gentlemen, put your money away. When it comes to killing TV chefs, I work for free.'

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, Master Chef, The Hairy Bikers and Bake Off - that's your five a day - now get to bed!"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

Keith Floyd.

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

It's a Gordon Ramsay recipe, so if you don't ****** like it you can ******* off.

"Look at the size of this gas bill - you'll have to get rid of some of those celebrity chefs!!"

Mary Berry

"When did they add this channel?!"

"Charles please! Not a slice and dice movie."

My Cauldron Rules

'By the time I'd watched Delia and Ainsley and Jamie Oliver and Floyd...I'd spoiled the broth.'

Here's one I made earlier.

"The recipe says, that the whipped cream has to be piped onto the sponge."

'For this dish we're going to need two bottles of good quality red wine. And that's before we even start cooking.'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

Chefs

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.