Culinary Shows Pillows

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"States of tofu"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Chez Nous Menu

6 Brothers Falafel

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Wife: 'Ah, honey.....why are you covered in raw fish and rice?' Husband: 'Oh I was running late for the 6:15 and got on a darn sush train by mistake!'

"Would you like some wings?"

Cookbooks

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Ninja bread men"

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

"Two vegans, please."

Honest Vending

"Is the MSG local?"