Contradiction Examiner Gifts

'You ever have one of those days when everything is going well...'

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"I hate it when we fight."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

"I've never read such utter nonsense! There's a guy here reckons we're all living in some kind of computer simulation!"

Lady Justice wears a blindfold, but listens through headphones to a tape recorder on one of her scales.

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

Barrister asking a witness to produce burnt papers

"I pride myself on being able to walk that fine line between misdemeanor and felony."

'If this thing starts to snowball it will catch fire all across the country.'

"No aliens"

"Some people say you can't put a price on a wife's twenty-seven years of loyalty and devotion. They're wrong."

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

'Exhibit A: the oxygen tube that came loose the night she died. You were there that night. You wanted to play then, too.'

'As it turned out, circumstantial evidence was all they needed.'

'I will only need to talk to you in order to contradict what you've said.'

'With every 'Ying' there's a 'Yang'!'

Oxymorons

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

'To prevent fraud, we like to verify whiplash injury claims!'

'Always tell the truth, even if you do have to lie to do it.'

'I don't know why I'm here... nothing was ever my fault.'

'You are a credit to the human race, Yardsley. Unfortunately, you're a liability to this firm.'

"My door is always open, Truscot, so don't go near it!"

'I think I'm cured. I now forgive my parents, love my wife, adore my children and hate you.'

'Not only do we get to probe earthlings, we get paid for it.'

Free Contradictions only $2.00.

'It's clearly the work of the devil. Nevertheless, I see no reason why we can't all share some of the credit.'

'Rodney, I don't know what to make of you. You're bored by excitement, and excited by boredom.'

Clancy: Good Idea

Cowboys in a saloon gather around a Georgia O'Keefe painting.

"You see, there's proof I'm in the majority. I don't believe in polls and neither do 59% of other guys."