Contractual Clown Gifts

"We're offering twenty million plus incentives over a four-year period, Mrs. Morton. Can Timmy come out and play?"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

'Since I'm new here, let's start by clearning the air. You may have noticed that I'm short for a C.E.O. . .'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

How are you at decision making?

Shake it all about sign on desk

Crane operator Jimmy Morrison liked to break in new guys by giving them what he called a 'sky wedgie.'

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

"It's the new simplified tax demand from HMRC. . . Three Questions - How much did you earn last year? How much have you got left? And how soon can you send it. . .?"

"You're new here ... it's customary on dismal Monday mornings to be miserable."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

Brainstorm in progress.

'Kimble, I'm going to give you a chance at purchasing - nip over to the cafe and get me a cheese and pickle sandwich.'

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

Darren had lost his edge as a 'yes' man...

It's all fixed. Just don't type anything that contains the letter ‘E'.

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'How come, unlike some other bosses, you never surprise me with little promotions?'

'Dear, you know how I hate it when you bring your work home.'

Scapegoat of the Year

'Maybe you should reconsider those place cards, Ms Harris?' (Negotiation talks/Good Guys/Bad Guys)

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!