Contractual Clown Gifts

"We're offering twenty million plus incentives over a four-year period, Mrs. Morton. Can Timmy come out and play?"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

'Since I'm new here, let's start by clearning the air. You may have noticed that I'm short for a C.E.O. . .'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

How are you at decision making?

Shake it all about sign on desk

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

"It's the new simplified tax demand from HMRC. . . Three Questions - How much did you earn last year? How much have you got left? And how soon can you send it. . .?"

"You're new here ... it's customary on dismal Monday mornings to be miserable."

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

Brainstorm in progress.

'Kimble, I'm going to give you a chance at purchasing - nip over to the cafe and get me a cheese and pickle sandwich.'

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

Darren had lost his edge as a 'yes' man...

'How come, unlike some other bosses, you never surprise me with little promotions?'

It's all fixed. Just don't type anything that contains the letter ‘E'.

Scapegoat of the Year

'Dear, you know how I hate it when you bring your work home.'

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'Maybe you should reconsider those place cards, Ms Harris?' (Negotiation talks/Good Guys/Bad Guys)

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

"Josh, can you call my 3:30 and let them know I'll be a little late and completely unfocused."