Contract Civilian Gifts

"You're one of the short termed employed. You're out of here tomorrow."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

Painting by the numbers for adults

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

'Still having a hard time finding day care?'

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

"Yes, I know they fit, it's just not what I pictured for a three car garage!"

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

"What was I thinking?!"

Washington D.C., Acronym Capital of the World

Tool Box

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

"I think I perferred the plain magnolia"

God's Subcontractors

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Crane operator Jimmy Morrison liked to break in new guys by giving them what he called a 'sky wedgie.'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

"We-your agents, successors, licensees, and assigns--would like to share a few thoughts with you."

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

Why Cows Leave Home

Fuel bill gone through the roof

"Simplified application form? . . . This IS the simplified application form!"

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'You can come down a peg. Mesopotamia gave the world bureaucracy, you know.'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

Government Offices / In tray, No Exit tray.