Contraband Comedian Gifts

"You should never smuggle a phone in without first switching off 'vibrate'."

"I made this cake just like you said to: Cake mix, eggs, water, oil, and a ten inch mill file."

'George! This way quick!'

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

Recycling bottle bank.

"During our vacation my wife and I went to Paris while our suitcases went to Rome and Athens."

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

"Years of penny-pinching really paid off. The price of copper just went up again."

"Good news, sir – your carry-on has been upgraded to business class."

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

Eat your salad. Blurg! Now! Quick! Put it into my bag! Finito. Mother! You've started up your compost pile, haven't you? You make it sound so rotten!

"Drop it... Such things banished in our kingdom."

"One man's garbage is another man's best friend's treasure..."

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed."

bound by restrictive covenant

"And with this, nuptial contract, independent inventory and itemised bill...I thee wed."

Glass/Cans/Geriatrics.

Breaking down cardboard

"I'm going to throw this contract out the window, hargraves. Bring it back to me and make sure someone's signature is on it."

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

Make Your Own

"Please ... let me get a new hair dryer!"

"So what do you think we should be saying about zero hours contracts?"

"They said their contract was too complicated..."

"Sorry, Wendy, but a simple 'yes' is not good enough. I want a mandate."

'Welcome to Lourdes'