Contemporary Art Gifts

"My grant ran out"

Jackson Pollock makes a mistake: 'Guess I'll have to start over.'

The Big Picture

'This painting was purchased on a whim by our ex-curator of drawings and paintings.'

"I want to see it as art, but I keep asking myself 'is it really grocery?'"

Pirate Artist

Art Darts

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

'I call it 'No Admittance'.'

'It looks messy but it has a certain cachet.'

'It's a piece of conceptual art...'Milk and Eggs'...$56,000 Every day we have to pour fresh milk in the glass, and replace the eggs.'

Gallery Guide

Man reading the title of an all white painting at an art gallery.

'There is nothing wrong with your eyes. They all really looked like that.'

'Hmmm...I think I know what he's saying here. Sometimes we manage to break through the walls that hold us back, only to find...another wall! Yes! I get it!'

'Oh Brad - isn't it wonderful that people are still paying fortunes for this sort of junk?'

Art.

Tracey Emin - Private view.

'Untitled #82? You mean there are 81 more like this. Was he trying to get it just right?'

DUBUFFET THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

"It's totally pointless - that's what makes it art."

Artist Painting his Television.

"That's not one of the candidates - they're sandbags in case of flooding."

"Yes, your work does speak to me and it's telling me you can't paint."

''The Thinker' is an outdated concept.'

Interpretations, please.

'I thought it was the ultimate expression of minimalism, but it turns out the gallery's lost its funding.'

Tracey Emin's work My Bed, alongside Marcel Duchamp's urinal (titled Fountain). Duchamp referred to his works as 'readymades'. Emin's work is 'unmade'.

"Now that's art!"

Wagging Dog

Smithsonian

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

NEA Grant Application

"Hop it! We don't like your sort in here!"

"Who's the artist?"