Contact Curmudgeon Pillows

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Football Violence

'Mamma Mia, Les Mis, Leveson inquiry...'

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

"He doesn't like dinosaurs."

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

"Congratulations on opening night."

"Instead of careful interpretation of the prose, maybe try pronouncing even the most basic words like an insane person?"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

Off the wall legal advisor.

Uncle Murray Weekly

I HATE STUFF

'Thomas won't stay off the stage. He loves his part in the school play - he's the commercial.'

'I'm terribly mixed up.'

'Try to keep a straight face when you plead 'not guilty'.'

Victorian Children's Party

"Hello. This is the old man across the street. Get off my lawn!"

Beach psychiatrist.

"Working with the elderly can be challenging... They can be bad tempered and curmudgeonly. I never ask him for anything until he's had his nap!"

'I see your Alan's got his Christmas face on again.'

'Sunnyside down.'

"Mail is running three to one against our Christmas newsletter."

'I'm not here!'

"Even your sleep is curmudgeonly."