Contact Curmudgeon Gifts

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

Football Violence

'Mamma Mia, Les Mis, Leveson inquiry...'

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

"He doesn't like dinosaurs."

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

"Congratulations on opening night."

"Instead of careful interpretation of the prose, maybe try pronouncing even the most basic words like an insane person?"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

I hope Bernie Sanders wins. We've never had a president like him. We've had cool presidents, awkward presidents, dignified presidents, goofy presidents

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

Off the wall legal advisor.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disciplines you, counselor. No problem, your honor. I just happen to have some furry handcuffs in my pocket.

'Thomas won't stay off the stage. He loves his part in the school play - he's the commercial.'

Uncle Murray Weekly

'Try to keep a straight face when you plead 'not guilty'.'

'I'm terribly mixed up.'

I HATE STUFF

"I've got it! If we don't send Stanley Kauffman any tickets, maybe he won't come!"

"Hello. This is the old man across the street. Get off my lawn!"

Beach psychiatrist.

Victorian Children's Party

'I'm not here!'

"Even your sleep is curmudgeonly."

'Sunnyside down.'

"Mail is running three to one against our Christmas newsletter."

'I see your Alan's got his Christmas face on again.'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I'm 66 years old: and I going to be as crabby as you? - Rolf. *Actual reader letter. Rolf, this is really a sad, unfortunate letter. It seems unlikely you can ever achieve any reasonable level of crabby if you're the kind of loser to send such a whiny question. Great crabs are born, not made! Guy probably won't even make a decent curmudgeon. Not sure that's what he's hoping for.

"Working with the elderly can be challenging... They can be bad tempered and curmudgeonly. I never ask him for anything until he's had his nap!"