Consumer Of Irony Pillows

"The people who hate trucks as environmentally destructive traffic obstacles and think that drivers are grubby idiots are waiting for their goods!"

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

End the Winter Blues

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'