Consumer Of Irony Gifts

"The people who hate trucks as environmentally destructive traffic obstacles and think that drivers are grubby idiots are waiting for their goods!"

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

End the Winter Blues

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"