Consulting Critic Gifts

"Our management consultant has recommended we employ another management consultant to explore cutting the budget we have for management consultants."

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

Whistler's father.

'I said, how do you like my new communication tool?'

"The audience is really classy tonight, they are throwing quail eggs."

'Don't hesitate to critize me, Herb, whenever I think I am wrong.'

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

'We don't need helicopter vision, Manfred. We need a helicopter.'

"He's a mental-health critic."

"Mrs. Stiltz asked Jean to ask Genie to ask..."

"I owe you an apology. When you bought that muzzle, I was mad because I assumed you bought it for your dog."

"Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question, and you've just asked it."

"Let's stop for a second while my assistant brings me a stiff drink."

Free Speech has heavy price.

"Dumb it down or sex it up."

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'

"But is it art?"

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

Critics In Love

Minimalist Art

Fat Reduction Clinic.

"I don't want it to look like I don't appreciate your qualifications and experience, but you're talking a lot of crap."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

If you want to get big as a radio host, you've got to differentiate yourself from all the other mean, insulting critics. I have a plan. You need to start being nice. That way, you'll really surprise people when you turn on them. That's the stupidest @#$% Idea I've ever heard, you muscle-bound ape! It needs work. Damn. What if I retract the muscle-bound part?

"This circle of hell is for those who always hit Reply to All."

Isolated fits of enthusiasm erupt at the annual I don't know I just work here convention.

'I am becoming a jerk. Get a memo to all departments.'

'Stocks dipped on the news that the manufacturing . . .'

"He's been told he has to cut down on using meaningless 'management speak'...which is causing him a lot of problems...as it's the only language he knows!"

'Mr Slickovitz will now brief you on corporate creole!'

"I've got it! If we don't send Stanley Kauffman any tickets, maybe he won't come!"