Consultant Critic Gifts

'We hired a consultant. After three months and $4500 he told us we need more customers.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

Someone needs to tell him that having Churchillian leadership skills requires more than a 10'' havana

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'