Professional Critique Gifts

"I don't want it to look like I don't appreciate your qualifications and experience, but you're talking a lot of crap."

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

Master's Degrees of the Universe

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

"The audience is really classy tonight, they are throwing quail eggs."

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

"Well yes, you're a worker, but I think we can both agree that you're not a hard worker now, can't we?"

'There are two men and a dog out there, and the dog is asleep.'

'We don't need helicopter vision, Manfred. We need a helicopter.'

"He's a mental-health critic."

"Can you skip to the part that doesn't suck?"

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

Critics In Love

"Why Bingo Sinclair is the world's greatest clown director"

If you want to get big as a radio host, you've got to differentiate yourself from all the other mean, insulting critics. I have a plan. You need to start being nice. That way, you'll really surprise people when you turn on them. That's the stupidest @#$% Idea I've ever heard, you muscle-bound ape! It needs work. Damn. What if I retract the muscle-bound part?

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

Time Slavery.

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

The Artificial Intelligentsia

"I've seen it performed many times, but I can't remember ever sleeping through it so peacefully."

"Do you mind if I put this on instagram?"

"Let's see now, Harrison - how long have you been with us?"

"I've got it! If we don't send Stanley Kauffman any tickets, maybe he won't come!"

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

'I've been going over your performance review and to tell you the truth, I'm not very happy with these swimsuit scores.'

"When do you teach us how to become motivated?"

'You're husband's death is an absolute tragedy, it's going to play havoc with my monthly mortality targets.'

'Your profile said you were tall, dark, and mysterious.'

"Our management consultant has recommended we employ another management consultant to explore cutting the budget we have for management consultants."

Scientific Research: '...The solar rotation theory...I figure it'll take years of heavily funded research to see if the sun really does set in the east...'

'Since when did we start getting report cards, too?'

Sorry we're a few minutes late this week. You're not sorry. You didn't want to come. Huh? You're so confrontational. See what I'm dealing with? You want to order? No. Nothing for me. Just the counseling. You've confused me with someone else. We were at the cafe a couple weeks ago. we really liked your vibe. Much better than the counselors we've tried. Really? The others pestered us with thoughtful questions and insights. Whereas you are a blank slate. Empty. Did we just agree on something? Nice.

"Have you ever considered that you haven't been promoted because you're and idiot?"

'This is for a different book.'

"He's miming from a tape from head office."