Considering Birth Control Gifts

'Normally I'd be strongly opposed to a womanh your age electing a permanent birth control option...but in your case-'

Take the time to do something nice for yourself. Your kids will thank you. That is, if you ever decide to have them.

New arrival

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"You may be in love, but can you support my daughter on what a herring makes?"

"Keep my fingers crossed! Is that it?"

'You did remember the condoms didn't you?'

"Have you considered trying for a puppy?"

Biological Alarm Clock.

"You need to stop pressing the snooze button on your biological clock."

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

"Because the 'morning after pill' is not a rectal suppository."

'Marriage might suck the life out of our relationship.'

"Going to the beach with kids Sand in eyes, food, crevices Chasing after them with sun cream Frantically checking they haven't been kidnapped or swept out to sea Enjoying it"

'I'm thinking about laser eye surgery.'

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

"So, how long have you been trying?"

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'You should have used contraceptives -- I'm afraid your lucky socks didn't work.'

'Your biological clock is on daylight savings.'

Fertility Center.

Argument between Disposable or Washable Nappies

"We can make you more pregnant than you ever though possible."

"Did you ever have that baby you wanted so much?"

'They're not reliable.'

'Don't take this the wrong way, but these pills you have to take come in a child-proof bottle.'

"Just for variety, Doc, next time let's insert the embryos doggy style."

'You'd look good in that.'

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

"In brief, we'll stimulate your ovaries with daily medications or hormones, perform an oocyte retrieval at the hospital, incubate the eggs in a petri dish at the laboratory, and then sit back and let nature take its course"

"We can't decide whether to buy a dog, or have a child. . ."

'If it wasn't for their great pension scheme I'd have packed this in years ago.'

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'