Connoisseur Of Workplace Satire Gifts

You're getting that office with windows you've always wanted - you'll be working from your car in the parking lot with a laptop.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

National Boss Monument.

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

In and Out Tray

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

Water company bonus.