Connectivity Humorist Pillows

"Come home when the internet's back on."

Football Chameleon

Emergency Hipster Beard

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Down a the lab - Germs "So what will you do when you grow up?" "Oh the usual...divide,multiply,infect,kill.."

'Being an opera buff, I naturally assumed she said "I'm taking you to the met"!'

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

Gangsta wrap.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

'Then, to stop the spread, they burned the village and sent me home.'

Entrance code to MENSA club - 'To enter, simply type in the square root of Pi.'

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'My boss collects stupid hats, Is yours for sale?'

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"Grandpa can't hear you. Turn on your caps lock."

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

Sheepdog

Giraffe painter.

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"Oh, it's the best thing since small-batch, artisanal, unsliced bread."

'Another failure to communicate?'

"That's the problem with these 'smart' appliances. When one breaks down, they all experience sympathetic malfunction."

"There's nothing like ballpark sushi."

"I figured my family could use a padded cell. Actually, I just buy toilet paper in bulk."

"My dream is for this work to be crated and stored, somewhere in Singapore... forever."

"Vinyl records? Actually, wax cylinders are where it's at now."

I'm no good at small talk