Connected Joker Pillows

Addiction to mobile phones

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

Fittd shēt

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Sorry, website closed for lunch."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"Nope, not what livestream means, Bob."

Follow me on Twitter...

Prisoner still life painting.

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

Reflex Testing -"...and you're sure you can't feel it"

"Just keep your eyes closed - it'll only upset you."

"Whoever pulls it out becomes King of Britain, but Phil licked the handle, so..."

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

Roger couldn't understand why his diet wasn't working.

How do fish get to work?

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

Jim's Smart Kettle

'Yes, I'd like the chef pan-fried, marinated in his disgusting sauce and charcoal grilled.'

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

'Well, not his very last words, just his last words on twitter.'

"What is this one - 'Two egg surprise'?"

Jack the Ripper.

"Okay, that's one pizza with all our toppings and one without."

Anger Management Class: Gone berserk, back in one hour.

181 yeard old, huh? This is the worst fake I.D. I've ever seen. And that beard! Ha! Nice try, Mr.... Uhh... 'Van Winkle.'

Football crazy

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"I want to travel somewhere REMOTE, somewhere unspoiled and untrammeled by hoards of rampaging tourists...but with good wi-fi!"