Congressional Staff Gifts

"Nebraska's congressional delegation hard at work..."

Eric Cantor, Republican, Fiscal Conservative, Sociopath

Rock and a Hard Place

'Does that thing belong to you...?!'

Next Shutdown

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Multi-tasking.

"The president demands that staff take responsibility for failures, and the multi-trillion deficit is down to YOU!"

'These are job perks.'

Washington D.C., Acronym Capital of the World

'The ultimate sign of success is when no one puts you on hold.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

Busy office.

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'Normally, I would give credit where credit is due but we're in a credit crunch. Therefore, I will take all the credit for your hard work on this project.'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

The role of administration.

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

Brainstorm in progress.

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

'What's the difference? Some people call it privatizing government. Others call it super pacs buying congressmen.'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

Academic Jeopardy - "The great unknowns and cosmic uncertainties of the universe are reduced by this number daily."

'Look Jefferson, much as I respect your emphasis of the informal approach...'

"A simple note from your mother would have sufficed, Tommy."

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

We're transferring you to company headquarters so you can kiss company hindquarters.

Sales.

'At this juncture in my presentation, I'd like to dispense with the illusion of coherence.'