Congress Connoisseur Gifts

Democratic Arithmetic

"We can't do what his mother used to do to punish him?"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

The First Annual Game Show Week.

"You call this a constitution?"

"But I see you're having difficulty following my argument."

GPC needs to make its new formula foolproof.

Men gossiping

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

Convention for People Who Like to Attend Conventions.

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Did you ask the client about product placement?"

Don't you worry JB, everything is fine here.

Sculptor's chippings

S**t Threw a Goose

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

'Would the person who's inhaling the very life out of this meeting please stop it right now?'

'He has a very open mind. Everything goes in one ear and out the other.'

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

White Wine Wisdom (2)

"I can't wait to see our new ad campaign. Wait, don't tell me...it's NEW and IMPROVED!"

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"Thank you, gentlemen, and may the best networked man win."

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."

'It's really nice up here, but I miss all the negative political ads.'

Due to obsessive and intrusive attention by the Media, this news conference will be cancelled