Congregation Member Pillows

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Minister Starts at a New Church

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

"It's true we like our members to be regular givers, but irregular givers are certainly welcome."

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Line one, the youth group calling from up the creek without a paddle...line two, Mrs. Kavanaugh calling from down in the dumps...line three, Virgil Larrison calling from death's door..."

Crust is Risen! Pizza Nite

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"Confound it - stop talking in tongues while I'm talking in tongues."