Congregation Keeper Pillows

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Michael Jackson

"We missed you at church Sunday."

I've been looking forward to this the whole year: It can get lonely out there...

"It was a mom-and-pop, but we inherited it."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

Midwest Winter Items.

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Investment advice from father to son:"Learn to walk and then learn to invest. I'm depending on you to look after me when I grow old."

'Man, I'm bombing,'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

Britain sinking and losing it's identity.

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

"Everyone here is alive because I got laid."

"Sorry, Dad."

"I'll do whatever it takes to save this marriage. Even if that means having to work weekends."

"A lot of blood, sweat and tears went into making this company what it is today! My father worked hard for what I've got."

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

How To Keep Promises

"Oh, now I remember you. You live in that big shoe on the corner."

'Yes, your wedding vows are still binding even if you DID get married during the Clinton administration.'

'I'm beginning to think that you're WILLFULLY apathetic!'

'Not ANOTHER pub boarded up!'

'Look around Dad. This was once all yours...'

'...Mom said i can have it!' 'No way! She promised I get the painting!'

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"I'm sorry son, but one day all this will be yours."