Congregation Keeper Gifts

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

I've been looking forward to this the whole year: It can get lonely out there...

"It was a mom-and-pop, but we inherited it."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

Midwest Winter Items.

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Investment advice from father to son:"Learn to walk and then learn to invest. I'm depending on you to look after me when I grow old."

'Man, I'm bombing,'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

Britain sinking and losing it's identity.

"Everyone here is alive because I got laid."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

"Sorry, Dad."

"I'll do whatever it takes to save this marriage. Even if that means having to work weekends."

"A lot of blood, sweat and tears went into making this company what it is today! My father worked hard for what I've got."

"Oh, now I remember you. You live in that big shoe on the corner."

'Not ANOTHER pub boarded up!'

'Yes, your wedding vows are still binding even if you DID get married during the Clinton administration.'

'Look around Dad. This was once all yours...'

'I'm beginning to think that you're WILLFULLY apathetic!'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

How To Keep Promises

'...Mom said i can have it!' 'No way! She promised I get the painting!'

"I'm sorry son, but one day all this will be yours."

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."