Congregation Member Gifts

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

How's my sermon. . .

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Minister Starts at a New Church

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

"It's true we like our members to be regular givers, but irregular givers are certainly welcome."

Crust is Risen! Pizza Nite

"Line one, the youth group calling from up the creek without a paddle...line two, Mrs. Kavanaugh calling from down in the dumps...line three, Virgil Larrison calling from death's door..."

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Confound it - stop talking in tongues while I'm talking in tongues."

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"