Confession Stand-up Enthusiast Gifts

'Bless me father for I have sinned, I lied about my pie crusts not having lard in them, 12 times, and I killed my daughter's Schnauzer.'

Priest's 'To do' list.

Stand-up Romcom

True confessions.

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'Someday I'm going to tell you all of the things I've done right.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

This Saturday 10:30 Confessions of a Window Cleaner, Doctor, Nurse, Policeman, Shop Worker, Lollipop Lady, Butcher, Baker, Housewife, Schoolboy...

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'

'I'll tell her all about this when she gets home.'

'I committed the sin of pride. I've been gloating over how our church baseball team waxed yours.'

Stand Up Bush

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"Look, they get really mad when I dig up the garden, so, can you please sign this statutory declaration..."

Chicken comedians.

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'I've been disrespectful again, Dad.'

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'